In

One perk of being away from home is that I have become really aware of how I deal with things. Example: in the past I was very good at not being honest with myself. Justification and dodging the truth were my games and I played them darn well. But away from home I have to be honest with myself, I have tell it how it is. It’s been hard, but also very liberating. I’m growing up as I do this, I’m becoming more me….through honesty identity is being forged. Anyway, within this state of self-awareness I’ve noticed something and it relates to my interests and why I find them, well…interesting.

If you know me, you know that I like to be “in” on it. I like watching the acclaimed show (Arrested Development), reading that bestselling book (Eat, Pray, Love), and listening to that latest craze song (Boom, Boom, Pow). But I’ve noticed sometimes that the show/book/song isn’t really interesting to me, it’s just interesting to everyone else. Therefore I feel like I need to watch/read/listen to it just so I can be on the IN-side. When I started to realize that I spent time on things I didn’t necessarily enjoy, I was kind of surprised. Internally, I have always prided myself on being who I am but I was following the crowd in this regard. I suppose everyone has this “in syndrome”: Starbucks is an example, as is any and all Apple products. People like buying things that represent their status as a hipster, but I think there is a fine line between following a fad and losing who you are.

Growing up I literally prayed this prayer, “God, let me be unique.” It was an unnecessary prayer looking back; I was unique… and thankfully I still am. But my obsession with certain fads isn’t unique at all in fact it’s the exact opposite. To clarify: fads aren’t bad, that is not what I’m saying at all. It’s great to read a book that others have read because it’s usually an awesome conversation starter. But I think that reading a book just to start a conversation about it, is stupid. I did that sometimes, I’d actually read a whole freaking book just so, if the opportunity presented itself, I could tell people I read it and how thoroughly I “enjoyed” it. I fondly remember a couple books that I didn’t enjoy reading (the Amber Spyglass fits nicely into that category), but I finished them just so, A) I could say I did and B) to feel cultured.

To be fair, part of this has to do with my mildly OCD peeve about finishing something I start. If I read one of the Lord of the Rings books, I need to read them all. If I buy one fantastic song off an album, I need to buy the rest of that fantastical album. It’s an offense to God to buy one Tegan and Sara song and not buy all of them eventually. Finishing what I start is basically an art to me…

Lately I’ve been learning to not only like things I like, but to stand my conviction that I liked them in the first place. For instance, I loved the movie Rachel Getting Married, but everyone else here hates it lividly. It was a learning experience for me because I really love that movie and in some way, I had to stand by my principles: I liked it and if you didn’t that’s fine.

My obsession with being “in” on things even went as far as compromising some of my morals. I found myself justifying things and it was then that I realized something was happening, something I had the power to stop…. and so I stopped it. I deleted TV shows, threw out some books, and you know what? I feel ok. I think I actually gained something. I was afraid I would feel bad after I threw the stuff out, as if I was throwing a piece of myself out.. I was actually identifying so much with materials that I was sinning to find an identity. That wasn’t a good place to be in, but I’m moving on up, kind of like the Jefferson’s. Anyway, here is a short rundown of what you can learn from my mistakes.

1. In the pursuit of being cultured, don’t forsake your interests and/or morals.

2. Like what you like, dislike what you dislike. If you can’t do this, you may need help on forming an opinion and sticking to it.

3. Identity should never be rooted in the temporal, but always in the eternal.

4. And finally, if someone doesn’t like your new favorite movie, it’s ok! It’s not personal, it’s just cinema….

Home, I Miss Thee

I have countless reasons why I miss being at home, but here are three big ones.

1. TV: We have TV here, but people are always playing ‘Halo’ or praying in the living room, that I’ve actually never watched it. Thus, I feel totally out-of-the-loop media-wise. I haven’t seen ‘the Office’ or ‘Fringe’ in four weeks, ‘the Today Show’ is a thing of the distant past (is Kathy Lee still there), and HGTV, well let’s just say that I haven’t heard or seen from Susanne Wong in many, many months.

2. Privacy: I like having privacy. To me it’s a civil right but it seems everyone in my house hasn’t heard of this particular right. I mean, I have privacy in my room but I really can’t spend all my time sitting in bed…can you say, antisocial? But I would be nice to be able to have my breakfast alone, in peace and quiet. It’s very hard eating a waffle with people talking all around you. I need silence to concentrate, even when it comes to eating.

3. Chili’s: Yes, I really miss this place. For those of you who don’t know, there is a small group of us who’d go to Chili’s every single week after Saturday night service. We’d order tea (a few would order water with lemon, because they believed that water + lemon + sugar = lemonade) and then we’d order chips and salsa. Those times were always filled with laughter and it only cost like $5. Five bucks for a laugh is fine by me.

So there are three things I miss about home, if you need more I have them haha.

California: The Journey Thus Far

When I first arrived here, it was understandably difficult. I'd lived in Iowa all my life and since I was homeschooled, I spent a majority of my time at home with the family. So it was really, really hard to suddenly be thrust into a situation where I lived with fifteen guys who didn’t know a thing about cleaning, respecting privacy, and the relaxation watching HGTV provided. It was a whole new world (don't you dare close your eyes) and I was shell-shocked when I arrived.

This is not to say that the people weren't welcoming, because they were. I was very surprised by how nurturing some of the guys were. I needed truly nice people to surround me those first few weeks, people who understood the principal of privacy and homesickness...because we all know that when you’re homesick that you yearn for privacy. I was so homesick that first week! Showers consisted of me lathering myself in soap and daydreaming about Ankeny and its landscaped lawns. Dinner time mainly concerned me eating three or four apple slices, while wondering what all my friends back home were doing at that precise moment in time. I was so homesick the very first day, that when we went to the ocean I could not even comprehend what I was looking at. It could've been the Eiffel Tower or the Virgin Mary herself and I would've responded the same: big whoop, I want to go home.

But after those first few weeks, I began to feel somewhat at home in California. It's still a work in progress and I think it probably will be until the day I leave haha, but I’m getting used to being here. While it’s hard, I do I feel like I'm meant to be here. For those of you who watch 'Lost', Heartland is my island and someday I'll have to go back there, but for now, I'm content here...well not content in the sense that I'm happy or anything. More so, I know I'm supposed to be here, that I'm growing, and that if I were home I wouldn’t be growing like I am. So for now I'm in a happy medium: I don't like it here, I don't want to be here, but I'm willing to stay. Honestly, the holidays can't come quick enough.